Journal… 6th February, 2018

Okay! I’m back! It’s been a month since I last posted and now I am ready to face the world again.

I have something to confess though. Something that not many people know about me. Even I find it strange at times and it’s kind of hard to explain… I’ve been hibernating. It’s a thing! For real! Except, I do it in Summer, not Winter. You see, I hate Summer! There, I said it! I’m one of those weird phenomenon’s that look at your Winter/Snow posts on social media and get jealous. I can’t understand why people complain about the cold and are eagerly awaiting Summer. I’m not just hot-blooded, my every day blood temperate seems to consistently be at boiling point. I never have cold hands or feel cold, in fact, I’m deliriously happy when I have a cold nose from a brisk winter morning walk and I can see steam from my breath forming in front of my face. I am a strong advocate of the saying “you can always put more clothes on in Winter, but in Summer, you can only take so much off”!

I hate the feeling of being hot all the time. I hate not being able to sleep comfortably, because the temperature doesn’t drop below 20 degrees. I hate feeling sticky and sweaty and having my clothes cling to me. I hate that I can’t give warm hugs to my children, because it just ends up feeling icky. I hate that my face gets all red and blotchy the second the temperature hits 30 degrees celsius. I hate that my skin burns red raw after I’ve been in the sun for less than 10 minutes despite the copious amounts of sunscreen I use. I hate the headaches that I get from not drinking enough water because of the heat, despite drinking 2 litres more than everyone else I know each day. I hate feeling like I can’t breathe and every inhale feels like I’ve entered a simmering sauna. I hate that my mind goes all fuzzy and unfocused and I can’t seem to concentrate or dream or be creative when it’s hot. I simply hate Summer!

Strange, I know! I mean, I live in beautiful sunny Queensland of all places and yet, I hate the heat. I can’t seem to function properly and if the temperature is over 28 degrees celsius, I feel the need to hide. I put my air-conditioner on, close all the windows, curtains and blinds. Turn all the lights off. Wear as little clothing as is decent and try to pretend that it’s winter and I’m in a cold spot somewhere in the world. Seriously, you should see the snow pictures that I surround myself with on all available screens in my house. Give me crisp mornings, cold nights, rain, snow, frost, fog and I am incredibly happy. Weird, aren’t I?!?

Also, I was quite sick for a couple of weeks too during the last month, but I’m all good now. Which is the strange thing too – most people get sick in winter and the cooler months, whereas, each time I have been significantly unwell, it has been in Summer. Yuck! But, when I’m hibernating, I also get a little depressed. As I withdraw physically from the world, I also withdraw mentally and emotionally too. I engross myself in books and movies and let myself go into other lands, other places, other times. I read a lot about cold, snowy climates, and I watch a lot of Christmas movies and movies with winter scenes. I try to trick myself into believing that I am cool. I kind of check out of the real world, only being vacant and present when someone or something is required from me.

My wonderful husband doesn’t know what to do with me when I hibernate. He tries to help and be supportive, but after all our years of marriage, he pretty much figures that if he lets me be I’ll get myself out of it when I ready to face the world again. And, I do! See! I’m here! This time, it took a few blessed days of cool weather in a row to get me out of my funk. If the nights get below 20 degrees, I sleep incredibly well. If the days stay below 28 degrees, I can run, breathe, dream, create, function, excel, sing, write and simply be AWESOME! If it’s raining, I get a whole ‘nother lease on life and great things happen. The days that it rains and I’m sitting at my computer, are the days that I feel best about what I write and create. I exercise more in the cold, I eat better in the winter. I look after myself and dress myself with more care when I can rug up. Cold for me is simply better. Again, weird huh?

So, why I am I telling you all this? Well, even though I know this about myself, I can’t seem to change it. I actually don’t really want to. I dream of living in a cooler climate and moving overseas and I feel incredibly happy about that prospect. But then, I know that God has called my husband & I to be planted here, in this place, at this work-place, this school, this Church, with these people, for such a time as this. Until God clearly directs us and the doors fly open to other opportunities, this is where we are to be. And I just have to learn to cope better. The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time for everything. And even though it is Summer and I don’t enjoy it, it is summer for a reason and I have a choice on how I live through these days.

So, these past few days, I decided to ask myself some questions… Am I going to make this summer-time count, or am I just going to exist and survive? Is there any point in just willing away the hot days until we get to the cooler days? Am I going to encourage and inspire or am I going to fade away and hibernate? If I hibernate, does it benefit anyone? Does it make me a better person when I resurface? Am I more energised, fresh, healthy and ready to take on the world, or am I a lesser version of who I was before I hid away? Am I fulfilling the calling on my life and making God’s name known when I snuff out my light?

What do you think?

More about Conny Stewart

It says on my Twitter profile “God-lover, Wife, Mother, Business Women, Blogger and soon-to-be-Author. Passionate to see Women become ALL God has called them to be!” and well, that pretty much sums me up!

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